Well its taken me 2 days to write this, so here goes...
I know how I'm supposed to feel.
I'm supposed to be proud of the fact that I'm one of 500+ Team In Training heroes that raised over 1.5 million dollars for blood cancer research. I'm supposed to be proud of the fact that I'm a part of the 110% fundraising club for my chapter. I'm supposed to be proud of No-SAG 2012; that I haven't quit a training ride the last 5 months, and with the exception of 3 rides, I've been to them all. I'm supposed to be proud of the fact that I kicked ass at all of our training rides including the 95 miler, and had this been the Honolulu ride, it would've been a cakewalk. I'm supposed to be proud like my coaches, teammates, friends and family are for accomplishing this. And for coming back with a vengeance in 2012 because I knew that my 2011 cycling season didn't truly reflect me.
And I'm aware of the fact that:
No one was prepared for this ride to be the bitch that it was. Not just me, not just my team, not just Texas staff, not just TNT, not any other rider out there on that course was prepared for that. I heard it from other riders, that this was the hardest ride they've ever done. Other than the "sick, sadistic, fuck who created this route", to quote myself around mile 41, I don't think it was communicated that this ride would suck hard. That this was a hilly ride with a dash of mountains versus a flat ride with a dash of hills. There was a waiting list for SAG, there were people walking bikes like crazy. And the overall mood of everyone I saw past Hoover Dam was in short:beat down and deflated. That, in an ideal as it gets for Vegas weather condition day, (partly cloudy and no wind) this ride kicked everyones ass. Everyone. No one who set out to do 122 miles on our team did it, and only 2 of us completed the ride they intended to do.
So I know how I'm supposed to feel and what I'm aware of, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed, sad and angry at myself for not accomplishing what I set out to do. No one can beat me up like myself and despite all the logical reasons I shouldn't be beating myself down, I am. Because I've failed now two years in a row to do what I said I was gonna do.
I'm not the type of person that says I'm going to do something and doesn't do it. I would just never agree to do something...but I've now done this twice and it makes me feel crappy.
"you know that shit is, fucking ridiculous" Kanye West - So Appalled
"you know what this shit is, fucking ridiculous" - Me to Tanya, around mile 45
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| Triple Crowners!! Valerie, Natalie and Christa |
The Ride:
Riding through the strip pre-dawn is cool. Riding through drunks and hookers to the ride start was was definitely an experience. It's pretty crazy when you're awake in Vegas at 3:30am, and you're not drunk and/or awake from the night before.
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| TNT Elvis! |
But I digress. The first 25 miles of the ride were great. Though I'm partial to Texas sunrises, sunrise in Vegas over the mountains was a pretty sight.
The first hurdle I needed to cross was the getting to Hoover Dam by 10am. From mile 25 to Hoover, we started to get a few hills, but nothing beyond like a Chappell Hill, hill. Tanya sang her revised version of the UH fight song (you had a year to learn it!)...the LSU fight song with Cougar and Shasta instead of Tigers and ...whatever the LSU mascots name is. And also the complete rendition of the devil went to to Georgia...with banjos sound. Impressive while climbing up a hill. And the Jeffersons moving on up. I'm going to have to make her a mix (cd? tape? 8 track? how do the kids do it these days) for the future :)
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Hoover Dam...not that impressive IMO but obviously I didn't have this view of it.
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And the we got to the turn for Hoover Dam. It was notoriously the supposed hardest part of the course. Steep descents, long winding climbs, narrow lanes with cars...basically the final exam of a TNT safety lesson+ training ride. It took a lot longer than I expected it to be, but rolling into Hoover Dam with Amanda and Amy going nuts was pretty cool.
And apparently we were in Arizona for a hot minute. Got some water, took some pictures and then started the climb out of Hoover Dam. Glad we took pictures at this point, because it was the last time I was happy on this ride...
Looking back had I known that the ascent would never end maybe I would've done something differently...like SAG to the top. But a) I don't think that was an option at that point and b) the freaking ascent was supposed to end!! Coming out of Hoover was nothing short of brutal. I was not alone in my need to walk the bike several times, which hadn't happened before in this season. Sure I've stopped to catch my breath on training rides, but this was a whole new ballgame.
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| Almost out of Hoover Dam. The other picture I took here (that Carl didn't post :) was me giving the rocks/road/world the finger. Much more representative of how I was feeling. |
The back of my knee on my power leg, the leg I always leave clipped in a stops, started hurting a bit but whatever I could see the next SAG stop ahead. We got to the next SAG stop right outside (water only....total logistics failure) and I thought I was done with the hard part. Tanya thought I was done with the hard part. Hell, every rider on that course thought they were done with the hard part. But alas that was not the case.
The next part of the route was I will dub the Trail of Tears. The ascent had taken longer than I'd planned. We still had time to make the 122 time cutoff but to do so I needed to be rolling at least my normal pace of 15ish mph. But this road was not as it seemed. This part of the route was a long ascent. Worse than Hoover because there were no switchbacks, there were no banked curves (which for me make it a little easier) and the worse part of all THERE WAS NO END IN SIGHT. This was an evil, evil place. I wavered between 3-6mph. We stopped. We walked. Other TNT coaches would ask if I wanted to SAG and I glared at them. I remember one telling me "Don't be proud." as he pedaled off. I lost the ability to breathe; I'd start pedaling and my heart rate would shoot to 180+ (my max - 192). Every time I pedaled my left knee would hurt way more than any cramp I'd ever had (two days later, as I'm writing this it still hurts). Tanya kept telling me to stop looking at my watch. As my coach and as my friend who I've spent the last 5 out of 9 months this year alone training with she knew was I was thinking. There wasn't much more that needed to be said.
So naturally, I started to lose it.
I knew I wasn't going to make it to 122 and 102 was fading fast. This was
that moment. In Honolulu
that moment was shortly after 10:30 when I missed the cutoff. The difference though was that I knew in Hawaii I wasn't ready and I was only going to finish by an act of God. Vegas was my year though. This was no-SAG 2012. I rocked every training ride, woke up and killed my self in spin class or running during the week. I did intervals in the park. This was my year! But this wasn't my year. I started crying. I started telling Tanya I couldn't understand why this was happening. I considered throwing my bike and having an epic Hulk-out fit. I pedaling again, but I could barely go a tenth of a mile without stopping. These were only miles 40-48. We saw a SAG car with a Texas flag in it and Tanya called to see who it was.
"JohnG just sag-ed to the lunch stop, do you want to do that?"
In Honolulu it was Barbara, Coach John's wife, who had the defining moment question.
Her's went something like "I can put your bike in my car and drive you past the cutoff so you can make 100, do you want to do that?"
No.
Yes.
And like that, 102 was off the table. At best, I could finish the 75 mile route after the lunch stop and call it a day. Sad, pissed and disappointing were the emotions on the table, with pissed in the lead. After the lunch stop me and John finished out the ride slow and steady. We both were hurting and had plenty of time to finish those last 14 or so miles. When we crossed the finish my odometer read 62.83 miles. Not what I came here to do. I stayed at the finish line, watching the other TNT participants cross and waiting until the very end (way to make an entrance :) when my friend Christina crossed the finish.
I wish there was some other way, some better way to end this post. I wish I could point to not being prepared or something other than this was the worst route on Earth. Earth. Seriously. Like there was a 50 person wait list to SAG out for TNT participants, and we were only 500 out of the 2500 participating. Worst. On. Earth.
I really wish I'd ridden 5 more miles at the Katy long ride so I could say I've done 100. And I really wish flights to Honolulu weren't $750+ bucks...I'd kick ass in Hawaii this year.
